


I choose you

by Simbanrat



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:53:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27526435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simbanrat/pseuds/Simbanrat
Summary: Ben went through his entire life feeling as though he was never anyone's first choice... Until he met Callum.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 2
Kudos: 44





	I choose you

**Author's Note:**

> I had this idea about a month ago, it took ages before I came back to it and I'm not entirely happy with how it's gone but it's got the basic premise I had. 
> 
> Hope it's not too shit.

Ben Mitchell has never been anyone’s first choice. 

He spent his whole life feeling as though he wasn’t important. Those closest to him never seemed to put him, his needs or his feelings first. The people that should be willing to lay down their lives for him seemingly just didn’t care that much. As a result his own self worth was in the gutter and he never felt worthy of love nor believed it if it was ever declared to him. 

When he was a kid his mum abandoned him, choosing a man and whatever the hell else was happening there over him. She went the whole hog though, faking her own death and leaving her little boy alone, in a country far from any other family. Ben felt as though his whole world had disappeared, it had been him and his mum for so long, he didn’t know what to do without her. 

He knew of his brother and had seen him a few times when he visited South Africa, but not enough to want to spend the rest of his childhood with him. The same went for his dad, he barely knew the man and yet he was being taken to the other side of the world, away from everything and everyone he knew. 

When he discovered years later that his mum wasn’t dead, that she chose to leave him alone it nearly broke him. When he remembers back to how he felt when he found out she died, how much he cried and spent his nights wishing and praying that he could see her one last time it brings up a lot of resentment. He’s forgiven her but he’ll never forget, the pain of how easily she cast him aside was always just bubbling below the surface. 

Even now they have an uneasy relationship. She came back into his life, tried to justify what she’d done and how she acted, but it still didn’t make sense to Ben. He thought that she would try her hardest to make up for lost time, for the fact she had disappeared for nearly half his life. He was wrong. His mum seems far more interested in his brother than him, always running around after him and trying to sort out his issues as if he were a child and not a grown man in his fifties. 

That isn’t even taking into account Ian’s kids, all of which seem to take up far more of her time than Ben does, even little Abi who literally has nothing to do with her. His mum seems to prioritise all of that over him so he just plods along with his life, knowing that his mum has a favourite son and it definitely isn’t him and trying to not need her in the way any son would need their mum.

When Ian went to South Africa to bring him back to England, he tried to be there and support him. At first Ben thought he would be staying with his brother, that he would want to look after him. He was just ten years old and Ian was the only member of his family that he really felt like he knew at all. He didn’t consider that Ian had his own family, and he had precious little time for him. He tried to keep Ben with him but ultimately he ended up with his dad. 

His dad was a whole other level of making Ben feel like he wasn’t his top priority. There was an endless stream of people, situations and booze that pushed Ben right down at the bottom of the list of what was important to the man. Any self worth Ben might have felt in the past evaporated when he was living with the Mitchells.

When his dad was to marry Stella he really felt like he was alone. She was abusing him, just a little boy who was in pain emotionally and physically, his dad didn’t see it, or didn’t want to see it, instead choosing to ignore any evidence and carry on with his love life. It was only on the wedding day that Ben was able to say anything and to his credit, Phil stood up for him and things ended badly with his woman. It was unmistakable though how his dad felt about him, how weak and pathetic he viewed him afterwards. 

Ben was everything Phil wasn’t, the opposite to the type of son the older man had wanted. He wanted somebody in his own image, a fighter who was into boxing and sports, someone who could stand up for himself and was going to be a proper lads lad. He got instead a little boy who loved to dance and watch musicals, a deaf kid who would rather dance in the boxing ring than throw a punch. Phil looked at him sometimes as if he completely baffled him, that he was an alien. The kid who came back home from South Africa was not the Ben he wanted. 

Phil also chose alcohol over him. It felt like his dad was always drunk, drinking to block out his troubles and issues. Ben often thought he was drinking to forget about how much of a disappointment he was to him. Vodka bottles were more of a priority to him than his dependant son. The little boy simply wanted his dad to love him, to show him some attention, but the man found it hard to accept his son and barely wanted to spend any time with him. 

As Ben got older he noticed that his dad seemingly found anything to be a higher priority than him. When his sister returned home Ben felt the distance even more. Louise was allowed to be who she was, she didn’t need to tone down or try to hide herself like Ben was having to. There was nothing that she did that was wrong, whereas he couldn’t do anything right. The difference in the way Phil treated them was obvious and Ben knew he would always be an outsider in his own family. 

When he went away to prison he was replaced. Jay was the son Phil had always wanted, the opposite to Ben and everything he wished his own flesh and blood would have been. He took the young man under his wing and brought him into the family, making him an honorary Mitchell. When Ben came home he was resentful, his dad was able to love another man like a son when he was so incapable of loving him. Eventually though Ben and Jay bonded, and although he was once again feeling like an outcast he at least gained a brother out of the situation. 

It happened again of course, when Phil married Sharon he became step dad to Denny. Just a boy, a young kid, younger than Ben was when he returned from South Africa and another chance at being a father. This was a chance to get it right where he failed so badly with Ben and in doing so he fractured their relationship even more. By this point though it was expected and Ben was used to his dad choosing everyone else over him, becoming numb to his fathers attempts at replacing him, he found that he just didn’t care anymore. 

Of course history repeated itself, his dad had hooked up with Denise one time, a drug fuelled tryst and the resulting pregnancy ended with the baby being adopted. Out of sight out of mind, until it wasn’t. Raymond was back on the scene, Phil having yet another attempt at having a son since Denny had died. Nothing else mattered except getting his son back, willing to risk anything and everything to achieve his goal. Pretty standard really, Ben barely took up any space in Phil’s mind and now there was a flesh and blood son to ingratiate into the Mitchell family he would cast him aside yet again. 

So for his entire life Ben had known his family didn’t think him important or worthy enough. His mum, dad and brother all having better and more important things and people to be dealing with. He felt as though he was destined to go through life never being anybody’s first choice or priority, that he would continue with random hook ups and they would be the only human contact he would ever get. 

Until he met Callum Highway. 

The older man got under his skin, he drew him in and made him feel things he never thought he would be able to, he’d gone through his entire life unable to feel love as he never felt it in return, too hardened and scared to open himself up. But here was a man who wanted to be with him, who wanted to spend time with him and made him feel that just maybe there was something loveable about him. 

It hadn’t started in the best way, a hook up in a chilly park late at night while Callum was dating a woman and so far in the closest he was in Narnia. Ben only ever thought it would be a one time thing, all he was good for were one night stands, a quick fuck and that was it, nobody ever wanted more and that suited him just fine, it’s not like he missed the affection he’d never had.

But life has a funny way of working sometimes, shagging someone on your own doorstep means you run into them a lot and he ran into Callum all the time, each occasion he found himself drawn to him, sarcastic little digs disguising the fact he actually really liked him. The more Callum pushed him away or someone tried to warn him off it made him all the more determined. 

When Callum finally admitted that he was gay, that he wanted to try and make it work with Ben the younger man tried to dissuade him. While he couldn’t have him he was safe but now Callum wanted him too he panicked, how could he? Nobody in his entire life wanted him, chose him so why did this perfect man want him now… it didn’t make sense. 

Even when Ben backed down and allowed himself to start dating Callum, to call him his boyfriend he still had the niggle in the back of his head that this was temporary, that the older man would realise his mistake and do what everyone else in his life had done. He would know Ben wasn’t worth his time, that he deserved better and would choose someone more worthy of his attention. 

He waited and waited for it but it didn’t come, instead Callum declared his love for him, telling him that he was in love with him. Ben walked away, ending things in an attempt to save not only Callum but himself too. There was a whole drama going on within his family, his dad deciding he was worthy enough to help him with something and Ben needed to protect Callum from being drawn into his mess.

It hurt him more than he cared to admit, trying to brave it out and not admit to how it was tearing his heart out, but he plodded along, continuing on with his life without Callum. The first time they saw each other after being apart for weeks he couldn’t hold back, grabbing on tight and holding him close, screwing on the desk of the car lot office, unable to keep their hands off each other. He pushed him away again though, still knowing that deep down Callum deserved better. 

When they eventually got back together and Ben was able to say out loud for the first time what he’d been feeling for months, it was perfect. Or at least as perfect it could be with everything that was going on with Ben’s hearing loss, but the younger man was finally starting to believe that maybe he could have this, he could be happy and have love, that someone was able to love him. 

The illegal activities came back and bit him in the arse though, being caught on CCTV during an armed robbery wasn’t ideal and he worried he was going to end up in prison. He didn’t though, he knew Callum had done something but he couldn’t work out what, he was just relieved to feel like things were back on track and he and his boyfriend could have a happy ever after. 

But Callum was acting weird, he was spending less and less time with Ben, always distracted and his mind elsewhere. Ben had been waiting for this since they got together, he expected it. Someone like Callum was never going to put up with him forever, he was always going to end up leaving him and the way he was acting told Ben that that time was now. The other man wouldn’t let him near him, turning him away if he offered a hug and keeping his phone away from him, clearly having something to hide. 

It all came to a head when Ben asked him straight out if Callum wanted to end things, the older man’s eyes widened and he was shocked at the suggestion, unable to believe that Ben would think he didn’t want to be with him. There was shouting and tears, anger and upset but eventually Callum was able to disclose everything he’d been hiding. That he was acting shifty because his boss was blackmailing him to keep Ben out of prison. 

The younger man was shocked, angry that someone was doing this to the man he loved but he felt an incredible amount of relief too. He was wrong, Callum didn’t want to end things, in fact it was the opposite, the other man was doing everything he possibly could to keep them together and he’d never felt more loved than he did in that moment. 

“I love you Ben”

“I love you too Cal”

“Out of everything, my job, your family…. I choose you, I will always choose you”

“What am I, a Pokemon?” Ben laughed out as Callum wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in close, kissing his forehead before letting Ben bury his face in his chest. 

“My little pikachu” he sighed as he put his face down onto Ben’s head and breathed in the scent of his lover, smiling as his hair tickled his nose. Ben huffed into his chest but relaxed into the embrace, finally feeling for the first time in his life that he was somebody’s first choice. 


End file.
